CW venting I guess?, mentions of suicide, negativityslop
something compelled me to write this note, maybe it's the numbness or the unsettling feeling that's residing inside my guts. I feel... detached, like not really being there? I'm not sure if this is what they call derealization? I don't think so but then again I haven't look into what that means, but I feel like I'm just floating by the whole day, a kind of limbo. Sort of doing something but nothing at the same time. I don't know. I hate this feeling. I can't recall doing anything that amounts to something.
other than that I've also feel just frustrated, that feeling of doing something but nothing at all probably because of the fact that my wifi seems to be just nonexistent, it works but also doesn't work at the same time? I have been trying to fix my index page/landing page but I just can't make my workflow as smooth as usual because of the wifi acting all weird, while waiting for my web preview to load I just watch markiplier new video but again my wifi is just acting up, so the video only plays a few minutes of it before buffering and then repeats like that for the duration of an hour + long video. So I'm in-between tasks/activity but not quite doing any of them, and maybe I'm a little overstimulated to because my god I cannot stand anything right now, my head also hurts. , it's just like nothing really works out for me today.
I just want to rant a bit, but lately I feel like, or maybe I just realized this, that my mother is quite controlling. One of my family usual tradition is that we don't usually buy gifts for each other but we just eat out somewhere slightly more "fancy" than usual. I had a place in mind and when I told my mom she just shrugs me off and tries to persuade me to this restaurant she founds on instagram. While I just nod along, but not quite agreeing, then my father comes home and asks where are we going for dinner. I told him my decision then my mother just shot it down but in a passive aggressive kind of way (I'm not sure how to describe her tone). Saying things like oh that place is uncomfortable, the parking is limited, etc. I was a little upset but whatever then moments later I offered a new location for dinner then she does the same thing again where she shrugs it off saying that it was basic and meh. I thought this was MY birthday dinner why does it have to be to your preferences.
I don't know... Actually just a few weeks earlier when I was in a deep negative mental state I had already planned to maybe do suicide and I thought of doing it maybe on or after my birthday and now... I just I don't know what else to say I feel hollow and tired.
anyway my birthday cake, a matcha layer cake, that is oddly sour? which reminds me of my whole glass of matcha that I forgot to put in the fridge yesterday. I was planning to continue drinking it today but it soured overnight. Ughh it was so good too, maybe one day I'll share my (budget) matcha latte recipe which in my opinion I've perfected
